Never Trust A Short, Green Man
by GS2aholic
Summary: Zim has come up with the perfect plan for St. Patrick's Day. Can Dib stop him in time? *Chapter 2 up* R/R
1. The Plan

Author's Note: Yeah, I know I should be finishing Nightmare World, but I have run out of ideas. This came out of it. St. Patrick's day is months away… BUT I DON'T CARE! *Laughs* 

Disclaimer: Roses are Red/Violets are Blue/Me no Own/So you no Sue

Never Trust a Short, Green Man 

By GS2aholic

"Getting tired of the old exhibits at the Membrane Science Museum? What's wrong with you? They are ALL exciting!" The TV blared through the base and GIR giggle in excitement as the words echoed through his head. Zim stood behind him, back turned, working on an upgrade for Minimoose.

"Either way, a new one is opening up to make you smarter than ever! Here's an obviously rendered dramatization."

"Minimoose! Your update is completed!" Zim said, turning around. Minimoose squeaked in response from his spot on GIR's head but didn't get a reply. Zim was watching the TV.

A large girl with green hair and a lollipop waddled onto the screen, looking wide-eyed at a giant Easter bunny. It hopped away and she followed, in awe of it's fluffiness. She reached out and touched it but was electrocuted with 'brain waves of doom' as the TV captioned. A tall, skinny woman with blue hair, glasses and a lab coat stood where the girl had been.

"See?! Wasn't that AMAZING? The holiday robot exhibit is opening up next week! Come over today!"

Zim grinned evilly and rubbed his hands together, forgetting the chip and crumbling it.

"I have a plan! And it's INGENIOUS! These foolish humans do not know that they are bringing their doom upon themselves."

"We're gonna make 'em smarter?" GIR asked, turning off the TV and looking at his master.

"No GIR, we are going to destroy them. Like we have always been doing."

"Oh yeah!"

"But what holiday stink creature shall I use?"

"Leprechauns!" GIR screamed wildly. He tucked Minimoose under his arm and ran up the walls and into a hole in the ceiling.

Zim tapped his fingers together in thought and the dust from Minimoose's chip fell to the floor.

"I suppose I will have to decide tomorrow. It is time for my routine checkup with the Tallests." He turned on his heel and marched away.

~~~~~

"Class, the skool board is forcing me to teach you the horrible truth about St. Patrick's Day. Since we lack funds, the paper and pencils were sold and you must now write on toilet paper with a rock." Miss Bitters announces this with her usual growl and passed out small 4x4 pieces of toilet paper and a pebble to each student. Zim's eyes twitched at the thin sheet.

"Whatsa matter Zim? Never seen toilet paper before? I'll bet you don't even know what its for!" Dib taunted from a crossed the room. On his face was an adorable little smile as he eyed the alien closely.

"Silly Earth worm! I have plenty of this 'toilet paper' at home and have had my fill today with its sweetness." Zim patted his stomach and shot a look over at Dib in triumph. Dib raised an eyebrow at him and was about to speak when an inhuman roar escaped Miss Bitters. He turned and faked attention. Zim tutted his tongue and began to write down what Miss Bitters said.

"St. Patrick's Day was discovered by St. Patrick. He was a tiny man who wore green all the time and ran around making fun of people. If the people caught him, he would give them his gold and taunt the next person. St. Patrick died when a freakishly obese man sat on him in a café and was doomed," This word was long and drawn out, "to spending all eternity getting stalked by horrible people and giving away his unlimited amount of gold that he could not spend that was at the end of a Rainbow."

Zim stopped writing and grinned. He had come up with the perfect plan! He giggled softly, laughed a little louder and suddenly the room was filled with Zim laughter than makes you melt like ice-cream shrimp. When a ball of toilet paper flew through the air and hit his head, he coughed and stopped though his smile did not fade.

~~~~~

When Zim got home from skool, he immediately went to the Lab. He went into an inhumanly large room labeled 'Used Stuff' and rummaged through tons of machinery for about an hour before he cleared enough space around an old project.

"Ah, my teleporter machine! I'm glad I saved it." He walked around it and frowned. "Stupid Santa. He ruined it with his STUPID Santa stuff! GIR!"

GIR flew through the open door and landed dramatically in front of Zim. "Yes?"

"Go get me a Slurpie. It's going to be a long night."

~~~~~

The next day, Zim wasn't in class. Actually, he wasn't in class for the rest of the week. Dib glared at the empty desk everyday, willing Zim to pop up suddenly with a good excuse. Every afternoon he would walk home from skool with his sister and list his suspicions about what he was doing.

"I'll bet he's looking up the proper uses for toilet paper." Dib snorted laughter at his joke.

"Shut up Dib, your voice sickens me." Gaz mumbled and turned up the music to her GS2. Dib pretended not to hear that and continued his ranting.

"Maybe he has realized that he's wasting his time and went back to his home planet."

Gaz turned up the sidewalk to their house and slammed the door in Dib's face once she got inside. Dib rubbed his nose when he entered and sat next to her on the couch, listing off ideas of what he should do to find out what Zim was doing.

~~~~~

Zim sat down on the floor and rubbed his forehead. Finally, it was completed and fully functional. To test it, he had set a Slurpie down on the platform and called up the Tallests to see if they got it. They had, as they were fighting over it when Zim called. As a side project, he had the Computer build an extremely large cage made of iron that was shaped like a large pot of gold. The door on one side was shaped like a coin and opened when someone stepped though the sensors.

"One last thing to build before my project is completed!" Zim stood from his spot on the floor and walked to another area. Underneath about three layers of dust were the elves he had used for Christmas.

"Computer! Put on these robots large green hats, green clothes and long brown beards."

"Awwwr, but they are cute the way they are!" The computer said.

"Just obey me!" Zim shook his hand at the ceiling and the computer obeyed. Once finished, people who could only see the color green would rejoice as everything on the robots' bodies were green except for the beard and the whites of their eyes.

GIR walked into the room, hugging a stuffed pig to his body and sucking on a sucker.

"LEPRICHAUNS!" GIR announced, dropping his piggy and inhaling his sucker. He bounced up and onto his Master's head, gazing at the robots.

"No GIR! They are tiny St. Patricks!"

"They're the same thing."

"Nonsense! I am the master and I am always right." GIR nodded and jumped off his head. Minimoose floated into the room and looked at the robots. He squeaked.

"No, St. Patricks. GIR, stop filling Minimoose's head with nonsense."

"I understand!" GIR stuck out his tongue and just stared at the robots for a while.

Minimoose squeaked.

"I preprogrammed them to come back to the cage whenever they have attracted a human. I've decided to move the cage somewhere in Ohio since not that many people live there and there is a big field I can put it in." Zim laughed lightly at his cleverness then continued. "For this foul Rainbow, I'm using a human prism and putting it at just the right angle in front of the sun. I surprise myself at how clever I am."

Zim tilted back his head and let out maniacal laughter. GIR and Minimoose joined in and the base was filled with the kind of laughter that stays with the listener for all eternity.

_To be continued…_


	2. The Initiation

Never Trust a Short Green Man 

By GS2aholic

So the plan when into affect. The following night Zim transported the cage to a large field on a farm in Ohio that was empty because of the winter weather. The robots were sent to different points around the world, some equipped with jet packs to make it over the ocean. 

Zim went to skool that day, forging a doctor's excuse, much to Dib's surprise, as an excuse.

"Zim! Fess up! What were you really doing last week?" Dib asked during recess.

"I don't know what you mean, meat child. I was at the doctor's for a checkup."

"All week?"

"Yes."

"But no one stays at the doctor's for a week!"

Zim, unable to come up with a good comeback, merely waved him off. Dib continued to pester and Zim pushed him backward. He fell, knocking Gaz's game out of her hands, and got a good beating. This allowed Zim to escape and hide next to the steps, out of sight.

"He's on to me. Now should be the perfect time to activate the robots." He pulled up his sleeve, revealing his self-destruct button and a large blue one labeled 'St. Patrick's'. His fingers lingered dramatically over the button and he suddenly punched it down.

"OW! Son of my mother!¹" He shook his arm and once the pain subsided he pulled his sleeve back down. He bit his lower lip with his zipper-like teeth to stifle his laughter and stood. Narrowing his eyes and leaning against the railing, he said in his evilest voice:

"Now all I have to do is wait."

~~~~~

"Don't you have homework or something?"

"This is my work Gaz! I just need a safer way to find out what Zim is up to." Dib rummaged in the First Aid Kit, which happened to be next to Gaz and the noise was breaking her concentration. He dabbed a cotton ball on a cut on his arm, wincing at every touch. Earlier he had managed to enter Zim's house only to be greeted by a distressed GIR who was 'naked' and needed his privacy. Rubber pigs hurt more than he thought they would.

Dib wrapped a Band-aid around his arm and closed the First Aid Kit. Setting it next to the couch, he leaned back in thought. Besides the beeping of Gaz's Gameslave II, all was silent.

Suddenly the door slammed open and the siblings were greeted with a blast of cold air.

"Me gold. Chase me for me gold!"

A small robot clad in all green with a brown beard marched into the room. Both children's eyes followed it around the room twice and finally to the front of the couch. It walked forward, banging into the couch repeatedly.

"Chase me… Chase me!"

One of Gaz's eyes raised open and faster than you can blink her foot kicked out and the robot fell backward with a crackle.

"Stupid robot." She crossed her legs and went back to her game. Dib continued to stare at the robot. It was very familiar.

His eyes narrowed and he jumped up from the couch.

"Zim."

He picked up the robot, ran up to his room and slammed the door shut.

~~~~~

Hundred… thousands… Maybe millions of humans! He couldn't count the all. The images from the screens shone in his gem-like eyes and his slim-gloved fingers tapped together thoughtfully as he surveyed the humans.

"Computer!" Zim's cute voice echoed through his base in orbit and the computer answered back with a low hum.

"Status report!"

"5,627 robots pursued by one or more humans. 8,582 in pursuit of humans, two in Ohio at the cage and one busted."

"Busted? Put on screen the last 30 seconds of footage received from busted St. Patrick."

All of the tiny screens seemed to be turned into one big one and showed the front door of a large house. The door opened and two children were shown on screen.

"It's the Dib-human. Fast-forward to five seconds before breakage."

The screen zoomed forward and he saw the same lamp twice before it stopped in front of the couch. It rammed into said couch three times before an unidentified appendage smashed into the camera and the screen went fuzzy.

"The Dib human will pay for that! But revenge will have to wait." Zim spun in his revolving chair and stood up as soon as it stopped. He promptly fell back down and groaned.

"I have to remember not to do that again."

When his brain recovered, he stood up and walked across the base.

"GIR!"

The tiny robot, which had been sitting nearby playing with Minimoose and Pig, jumped up and slid across the floor to his master.

"Yes?"

"Enough with this foolishness! Go get me a Slurpie. I will be telling the Tallest of my next steps."

The robot's eyes glowed red and he saluted.

"Yes, my master!"

With no surprise, GIR's eyes changed back to green and he stuck out his tongue dumbly. Master and slave stared, with Zim fuming at the disobedience.

"Now!"

"Awww… Can I get one too?"

"Oh, okay."

"Yes!"

GIR ran to his friends, tucked Minimoose under his arm and held Pig onto his head, and ran out of the room.

~~~~~

"Ha! Victory!"

A battered looking Red stood up straight and proud, a Slurpie held above his head in triumph.

"You cheated."

Purple groaned from the floor and slowly stood up.

"How?"

"You just… did."

Red took a long slurp from the Slurpie with eyes narrowed at Purple. His victory stance was not held long, as when he swallowed the Slurpie dropped from his grasp as his hands went to his head.

"Ahhh! Brain freeze!"

Purple caught the Slurpie before it hit the floor and finished it off.

"You jerk!" Red lunged for Purple but was interrupted by a small voice.

"My Tallest. There is an incoming message from Earth."

The Tallests groaned and nodded at the tiny female. Zim showed up on screen, smiling widely and didn't seem to notice his Tallests' state.

"My Tallest, I have called to tell you of my next step to my plan."

The Tallests nodded and crossed their arms in front of them.

"I have set up the cage and sent out the robots. When all have returned to the cage with the humans, I will activate the teleportation and," A metal arm popped onto the screen with a Slurpie and Zim grabbed it. He took a sip and continued, "All the aliens will be teleported to the Massive. Now I must go, My Tallests."

The screen went blank and the Purple blinked dumbfoundedly.

"Exactly how many human's are there?"

Another tiny Irken male conducted a scan.

"Over a billion."

"They won't all fit in here. Can you get Zim back on screen?"

"Negative. He seems to have blocked all incoming calls."

Red and Purple turned their heads to look at each other, both hoping that Zim's plan would not succeed and inwardly certain it wouldn't.

To be continued 

Footnote(s):

¹I plan on keeping this 'G', thank you.


End file.
